She’s big! She’s blonde! She’s beautiful!
B U F F Y
¡Bienvenidos, cabrones! Welcome to a new era in reality entertainment! I am Anita Margarita Beyoncé Chingas de Huevos Rancheros y Kaiser-Permanente. Starting tonight, I’ll be your mistress of ceremonies for The Dumb Dora Awards.
Friends call me Big Buffy, but my enemies know me as La Chingona! That’s due to my reputation of having extremely low tolerance for babosos! (That word means “dumbasses”, for those of you who don’t speak Spanglish.) These stiletto heels of mine are made for stamping out ignorance about sex and gender! Ain´t no homophobic hot mess that Buffy can’t put a chill on. You´ve heard about folks opening up a can of Whip Ass? Honey, La Chingona manufactures Whip Ass on demand! Escúchame bien: I’m one plus-sized, half-Mexican, half-Cuban ex-probation officer you don’t want to f*ck with!
Back when I worked for the Missouri Department of Probation and Parole, I always had strict rules for my clients to follow. If I hadn’t, many of them would’ve slid back into their old ways; they’d have ended up being somebody’s prison b*tch forever! If you’re going to make positive changes in your life, you’ve got to work at it. Rehab doesn’t just happen, and that’s true no matter if you’re talking about a wayward individual or a wayward society.
I’m blessed to have a Gay son (¡te amo mucho, Ralfi!), and am a very active member of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays [sic]). However, I’ve been a Gay Rights ally for most of my life. Nobody ever had to teach Buffy why LGBT equality was essential to Christian values. If only the same could be said for everybody!
A few years ago, I noticed something that shocked me: Many self-described Gay activists aren’t much different from probationers! They tend to become reckless in their behavior, misguided in their thinking and unfocused in their goals. I realized that they needed a strict set of rules, too. That’s why, in collaboration with Stuffed Animal and the Sacred Sisterhood of The Horse’s Ass (our former MC and awards hostesses, respectively), I devised the Ten Commandents of Gay Rights Activism. You can access this list in the sidebar of our Ignorance Is Plentiful blog site at any time. If any of you haven’t familiarized yourself with the Commandments, I strongly advise that you do so!
What did I hear some smart ass say? “Who does that fat b*tch think she is, writing rules for the Gay Rights movement?” ¡Soy La Chingona! ¡Cállate tu pinche boca! Shut your mouth, baby boy, and maybe you can learn something before these ceremonies are over!
Once again, we gather here in the Gracie Allen Amphitheatre to witness a perp walk by folks who call themselves equality activists and allies. Our latest lineup of Commandment violators includes babosos who use anti-Gay slurs to promote themselves; who hide their homophobia behind disingenuous who-cares-if-someone-is-Gay remarks; who indulge in trendy RadicalSpeak at the expense of credibility; who claim to be Gay Rights activists but bend over backwards to avoid Gay activism; who try to pass off juvenile acting-out as “radical” protest; who use public platforms to argue against safer sex guidelines; whose love of “reclaimed” hate speech even extends to disrespecting deceased LGBT persons; who stoop so low as to present depictions of Gay genocide disguised as “edgy” art; and who treat oppression as if it were a cultural treasure needing preservation. These kinds of offenses are sure to get you on La Chingona’s sh*t list!
Desgraciadamente, people don’t get sent to jail for such idiotic conduct. However, a select few do get one of our braying jackass figurines to commemorate their transgressions! Here are ten of those dubious keepsakes, lined up along the edge of the Imbecile’s Podium. ¡Mira qué tacky! Now watch as our fabulous awards hostesses, The Zoot Suit Muchachas, present them to the ten deserving Dumb Dora Award finalists we´re honoring tonight. Then stay with us, because a brand new induction into the Fool´s Hall of Fame will cap off our thirteenth gala celebration.
Next: Big Buffy throws down on