12 October 2012

Buffy, The Baboso Slayer

She’s big! She’s blonde! She’s beautiful!
She´s bullsh*t-free!

Big Buffy 2

B   U   F   F   Y

¡Bienvenidos, cabrones! Welcome to a new era in reality entertainment! I am Anita Margarita Beyoncé Chingas de Huevos Rancheros y Kaiser-Permanente. Starting tonight, I’ll be your mistress of ceremonies for The Dumb Dora Awards.

Friends call me Big Buffy, but my enemies know me as La Chingona! That’s due to my reputation of having extremely low tolerance for babosos! (That word means “dumbasses”, for those of you who don’t speak Spanglish.) These stiletto heels of mine are made for stamping out ignorance about sex and gender! Ain´t no homophobic hot mess that Buffy can’t put a chill on. You´ve heard about folks opening up a can of Whip Ass? Honey, La Chingona manufactures Whip Ass on demand! Escúchame bien: I’m one plus-sized, half-Mexican, half-Cuban ex-probation officer you don’t want to f*ck with!

Cream Of Whip AssCream Of Whip Ass

Back when I worked for the Missouri Department of Probation and Parole, I always had strict rules for my clients to follow. If I hadn’t, many of them would’ve slid back into their old ways; they’d have ended up being somebody’s prison b*tch forever! If you’re going to make positive changes in your life, you’ve got to work at it. Rehab doesn’t just happen, and that’s true no matter if you’re talking about a wayward individual or a wayward society.

I’m blessed to have a Gay son (¡te amo mucho, Ralfi!), and am a very active member of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays [sic]). However, I’ve been a Gay Rights ally for most of my life. Nobody ever had to teach Buffy why LGBT equality was essential to Christian values. If only the same could be said for everybody!

A few years ago, I noticed something that shocked me: Many self-described Gay activists aren’t much different from probationers! They tend to become reckless in their behavior, misguided in their thinking and unfocused in their goals. I realized that they needed a strict set of rules, too. That’s why, in collaboration with Stuffed Animal and the Sacred Sisterhood of The Horse’s Ass (our former MC and awards hostesses, respectively), I devised the Ten Commandents of Gay Rights Activism. You can access this list in the sidebar of our Ignorance Is Plentiful blog site at any time. If any of you haven’t familiarized yourself with the Commandments, I strongly advise that you do so!

What did I hear some smart ass say? “Who does that fat b*tch think she is, writing rules for the Gay Rights movement?” ¡Soy La Chingona! ¡Cállate tu pinche boca! Shut your mouth, baby boy, and maybe you can learn something before these ceremonies are over!

Once again, we gather here in the Gracie Allen Amphitheatre to witness a perp walk by folks who call themselves equality activists and allies. Our latest lineup of Commandment violators includes babosos who use anti-Gay slurs to promote themselves; who hide their homophobia behind disingenuous who-cares-if-someone-is-Gay remarks; who indulge in trendy RadicalSpeak at the expense of credibility; who claim to be Gay Rights activists but bend over backwards to avoid Gay activism; who try to pass off juvenile acting-out as “radical” protest; who use public platforms to argue against safer sex guidelines; whose love of “reclaimed” hate speech even extends to disrespecting deceased LGBT persons; who stoop so low as to present depictions of Gay genocide disguised as “edgy” art; and who treat oppression as if it were a cultural treasure needing preservation. These kinds of offenses are sure to get you on La Chingona’s sh*t list!

Desgraciadamente, people don’t get sent to jail for such idiotic conduct. However, a select few do get one of our braying jackass figurines to commemorate their transgressions! Here are ten of those dubious keepsakes, lined up along the edge of the Imbecile’s Podium. ¡Mira qué tacky! Now watch as our fabulous awards hostesses, The Zoot Suit Muchachas, present them to the ten deserving Dumb Dora Award finalists we´re honoring tonight. Then stay with us, because a brand new induction into the Fool´s Hall of Fame will cap off our thirteenth gala celebration.

Next: Big Buffy throws down on

11 October 2012

Buffy vs. Nothing-Painted-Queer

The Dumb Dora Award for
Peddling Nothing-Painted-Queer Goes to
Charles Ferruzza, Wayne Courtois
and The Writer’s Place

¡Hola, cabrones! La Chingona is in the house. Ya viene el Junio: Gay Pride Month has rolled around once again. If you’re an LGBT person, ‘tis the season to be exploited! Time again for enterprising Gay Gatekeepers to whet the Straight population’s appetite for gender-neutral minstrelsy. How will the Handkerchief Heads embarrass LGBT folk this year? What new way will they find to debase LesBiGay and transsexual experience? How about a celebration of that mythological concept known as “queerness”? The following announcement appears in the Gay Pride edition of Camp Magazine, a Kansas City area bar rag:

The Writer’s Place presents
“A Celebration of Queerness”
Hosted by
Charles Ferruzza and Wayne Courtois
Friday, June 15, 7:00 PM
Featuring readings by Kelly Barth, Crystal Boson, Mark Manning, Wendy Dow, Miguel Morales,
David Wayne Reed
and the opening of a photography exhibit by
Andrea Brookhart

Housed in a circa 1900 mansion, The Writer’s Place is located in midtown Kansas City. The mission statement found on its website declares the WP a resource for area residents “who care about the word as art.” It has the reputation of being a gathering place for the New Age crowd. Now, I knew you could take classes there, or attend seminars, or browse the library upstairs; but before reading this announcement, I didn’t know that promoting hate speech was part of the WP’s community outreach. ¡Coño! You learn something new every day!

Every LGBT person should see director Spike Lee’s 2000 satire Bamboozled. While it’s one of his least popular movies, it’s arguably his most significant one: The angriest indictment of Uncle Tomfoolery ever put on film! Its centerpiece is a fictional TV variety series called “The New Millennium Minstrel Show” starring shabbily-dressed actors smeared in blackface. The cast swaps n*gger jokes and dances the Buck and Wing on a slave plantation stage set. Much to the horror of self-respecting African-Americans, the show becomes a ratings blockbuster and acquires a cult following. Spike Lee incorporated a wealth of racist film footage in this story, including clips from 1915’s Birth Of A Nation, 1927’s The Jazz Singer, 1939’s Gone With The Wind and offensive cartoon shorts like 1935’s Little Black Sambo.

The Handkerchief Head Dance

It’s easy to draw a parallel between this movie’s crude Blaxploitation images and the f*gsploitation pageantry on display at many Gay Pride celebrations. Most Straight people who watch these freak shows think they’re watching typical LGBT behavior. That’s exactly what those who exploit LGBT status for personal gain want them to think! And if these negative stereotypes help get a “marriage protection” amendment, a ban on workplace protections or a “don’t say Gay” school district policy passed, so f*cking what? Pariah status is so much more fun than full citizenship recognition. ¡Babosos desgraciados!

There are modern minstrel shows like over-the-top Pride parades and kinked-up Folsom Street Fairs (falsely promoted as "Gay community" events), and then there are the efforts to put a minstrel show spin on anything Gay-related: Books, films, theatre, music , art exhibits! Such efforts are certainly nothing new.  Ignorance Is Plentiful exposes them on a regular basis! Several years ago on his blog Christ, The Gay Martyr, Stuffed Animal first reported on this nasty Gaytekeeper habit. Here’s how he opened a Gender Monologues essay titled “The Myth of Queerness”:

Nowadays, fakery is in vogue among LGBT folk! There's an over-abundance of vulgar representation, fringe behavior, counterculture posturing and pandering to stereotype. Typical of what I'm talking about is how San Francisco's Pride festivities are being promoted this year; the organizers hope to lure Straight spectators with tantalizing descriptions of "pansy divas", "ballroom queers" and "tr*nny witches”. . . people of blended gender are being packaged like an illicit commodity! It reminds me of the Prohibition-era Black nightclubs, where rich White folks went slumming. Just substitute the exotic "Queer" for the primitive "Darky" of yesteryear: See degenerates by the dozen! Catch a fever for the flavor of sex perverts! I'm disgusted at how some of us willingly sell ourselves out to play scripted roles in a heterosexist fantasy.

I’m familiar with some of the writers/performance artists scheduled to participate in this so-called celebration. They are longtime media whores who hold forth on local public radio stations; these serial chatterboxes never tire of talking about themselves into a microphone.  Some of these jokers are so deep down in a narcissism bag, they're a b*tch just to be around!

Lately, they’ve taken to appearing at live forums that pimp the format of Public Radio International’s popular “This American Life” series. They desperately try to emulate the witty narrative style of TAL regulars like Sarah Vowell and David Sedaris. The results are boring at best and highly annoying at their worst: Think of Donald Trump in full gasbag mode! These cackling gallinas must think egocentric self-indulgence will sound more interesting if they wrap it up in “queer” packaging. They’d better think twice!

Needless to say, La Chingona will not be attending this “Celebration of Queerness”. Nothing-painted-blue, whether broadcast over radio or TV or presented live, has never appealed to me. Nothing-painted-queer is even less appealing! At least the color blue is something real; the color “queer” is pure falsehood! As the proud mother of a Gay son, I detest falsehoods told about LGBT status, regardless of who is telling them!

Will Geer, who portrayed Grandpa on the fondly-remembered 1970s TV series “The Waltons” was a Bisexual man. At one time, he was the lover of Mattachine Society founder Harry Hay.

Next: Big Buffy busts a move on The Glass Closet!

10 October 2012

Buffy vs. The Glass Closet

The Dumb Dora Award for
Bulletproofing Glass Closets Goes to
Jenée Osterheldt and Char Daniels

La Chingona here! My dear friend Stuffed Animal finished writing one last Dumb Dora Award ceremony before retiring from show business. Here is that induction speech:

A “Cosby” kid might be Gay! Stop the presses! Clutch your pearls!

This quote opened a column which appeared in the 25 May edition of ink.com, a Kansas City Star webzine. The column is an anti-sensationalism screed of sorts. How ironic is it, then, that it should start in such a sensationalistic way?

Last week, The National Enquirer, the same rag that posted a picture of Whitney Houston’s open casket, did its very best to "out" actress Raven-Symone as a Lesbian. They called it a “Gay shocker.” The blogosphere blew up.

That’s what generally happens in a society where being Lesbian or Gay is still considered exotic and strange, and where most media stars are closeted for fear of losing popularity.

This rumor was treated as both truth and scandal. Twitter ran rampant with speculation over Raven-Symone’s love life . . . people were curious, and some were happy for the starlet. But many were angry! What is the world coming to? one typed in reference to Raven’s possible homosexuality. She looked like she was gonna be Gay, another Tweeted. Raven-Symone from “That’s So Raven” is Gay . . . childhood destroyed, wrote another.

“She looked like she was gonna be Gay?” Ye gods! It’s a crying shame, how this kind of ignorance about human sexuality persists into the 20th century. There’s plenty of blame to go around, too!

Here’s the thing. Being Gay is not a scandal. It’s not a disappointment.

If columnist Jenée Osterheldt had ended her op-ed right there, we wouldn’t be having a Dumb Dora Award ceremony for her. But no! She just had to go and spoil everything:

And celebrity or not, someone’s sexuality is not our business. Watching someone on TV does not grant us access to their bedroom.

How does knowledge of a woman’s Lesbian identity make the public privy to her bedroom secrets? Do people get a list of her favorite sex positions as part of the deal?

Last Friday, the 26-year-old took to Twitter and didn’t bother setting the record straight, or Gay.

Cute turn of phrase (not)!

In a series of Tweets, she tried to end the conversation on her sexuality. “I’m living my personal life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25-year career, to disclose who I’m dating. And I shall not start now! My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m dating, to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life.”

That's So Raven

Well, she didn’t say “no”, did she? Sister Woman just pulled a “Queen Latifah” and refused to talk about her orientation. Fair enough! We can reasonably conclude that Raven-Symone is either Gay or Bisexual.

Char Daniels, director of LikeMe Lighthouse, a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community center in Kansas City, said no one has the right to “out” someone. “Every person has to 'come out' in their own way and in their own time,” she says. “Some people face abuse and hardship. 'Outing' someone is not a joke. It’s very hurtful and dangerous.”

So . . . if you know for sure that someone is Gay, you have a responsibility to keep that knowledge secret? Behave like it’s something to be ashamed of? What if other people know and have started talking about it? Did it ever occur to Ms. Daniels that a secretive approach to LGBT identity perpetuates ignorance? That it maintains an atmosphere where violence is more likely to occur? No, I’m sure it never did. I’ll have more to say about her brand of activism later on. Jenée Osterheldt ended her op-ed thus:

So does it matter if a “Cosby” kid or anyone else might be Gay? It doesn’t. It’s high time we quit worrying about who is loving whom, and just did some living and loving of our own.

No, this wasn’t a mean-spirited op-ed. It was just a wrong-headed one! Underscoring my point, the comments section quickly logged several reactions that read something like this:

I don’t care if somebody is Gay, and I don’t want to know! I’m so tired of people talking about their sexual orientation.

Oh, really now? Tired of Straight men and women talking about the hot dates they had with so-and-so last night? Tired of heterosexual folk jawboning about their husbands, wives and children at work, at school, at church, at the fitness center, etcetera? Tired of magazines, movies and TV shows shoving both real and imagined heterosexuality down viewers’ throats 24/7? Beggin’ your friggin’ pardon, folks, but I don’t buy it! Y’all ain’t hardly tired of that stuff. Y’all just don’t like hearing about dudes who dig dudes and ladies who love ladies. It’s the same old homophobia, camouflaged in squeamishness about “sexual matters” . . . but ain’t nobody even talking about sex!

My Stuffed Animal snout smelled casual hetero-bigotry and . . . well, you know me! When it’s time for some consciousness-raising, I’m always ready to go! The day after I read Ms. Osterheldt’s column and the reactions to it, I emailed her this letter:

I´m sure you feel that you wrote a perfectly reasonable op-ed regarding the sexual orientation of actress Raven-Symone. Most of your readers would no doubt think so, too. I don’t! Let me try to get you thinking in a more progressive way.

In a rational world, disclosure of sexual orientation is hardly inappropriate. Straight people do it all the time without realizing it. They may be discreet about who they’re dating, but not about the gender of people they date. To do otherwise would be absurd.

Clearly, we don’t live in a rational world when it comes to disclosure of LGBT status. However, if we ever want to live in that world, we’re going to have to change the ways we talk and think about non-heterosexual orientation.

I will never forget the first (and to date, only) encounter I had with Char Daniels, the woman you quoted in your op-ed. She told me I should be OK with LGBT folk being called “queers”, and suggested I was an old fossil because I’m not!

I can’t begin to explain how offensive it was to be told such a thing by a Straight woman. Ms. Daniels may be openly-Gay-Country star Chely Wright’s aunt, but that doesn’t mean she knows what it’s like to be a Gay person. She obviously doesn’t! No “Straight ally” who’s comfortable with anti-Gay hate speech is credible as a consultant on LGBT issues.

Yes, disclosing someone’s homosexual, bisexual or transsexual identity can be dangerous at times. Yes, it can be hurtful. But hiding in the closet isn’t going to bring the era of full equality any closer! Where would African-Americans be if ‘60s Civil Rights protesters had been timid about expressing their demands? That old mantra is still true: No pain, no gain! Oppressed people need to grasp after their rights, and they can’t do that effectively if they’re afraid to call attention to themselves.

Besides, in this case we’re talking about what’s called The Glass Closet. That’s where a celebrity refuses to discuss their orientation but makes little or no attempt to hide it. I think if you’re famous, and discretion about the gender of your love interests is important to you, then you should behave discreetly. Don’t blame others for talking about something you’re doing in plain sight! And don’t think wagging a disapproving finger at people who gossip will do any good: Human nature trumps propriety every time, especially where celebrities are concerned!

How absurd if Raven-Symone thinks her secret is safe! Responding to speculation the way she did, it’s obvious now that she isn’t heterosexual. This is an example of how Gay people fool themselves into thinking their closet doors are shut. Contrary to urban myth, some folks couldn’t hide their gender neutrality even if you paid them to do it!

There’s an aggressive Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell policy operating in many communities, and you know I’m not lying! It’s high time that policy was repealed! I’m tired of folks tippy-toeing around LGBT status the way they used to tiptoe around the topic of menstruation. If, as you say, it really doesn’t matter whether someone is Gay or not, then saying so, or wondering aloud about it shouldn’t matter, either. Let’s see what it feels like to live in a rational world, shall we?

I look forward to the time when nobody is shot down for speculating about the gender of a celebrity’s love interest. I want to see the day when people are comfortable asking the person, and the person is comfortable saying “yes, I’m dating someone of the same sex”. That’s the day when same-gender love will no longer be spoken of or thought about as “queer”. How long must I wait for it?

And how long will I have to wait to get a response from Jenée Osterheldt? Would you believe I’m still waiting? But bless her heart, she won’t have to wait any longer for this award.

Stuffed Animal


Lorraine Hansberry, author of the award-winning Broadway play Raisin In The Sun was a Lesbian woman. Although once married to Broadway producer Robert Nemiroff, her same-gender-loving status was revealed posthumously through letters and articles she wrote for The Ladder, an early newsletter for Gay women.

Next: Big Buffy bears down on Suicide Speech!